Menopolopovaricosises [men-oh-po-lopo-vari-cosy-sees]; the condition in which arrives the warts and other weird things.


 It's a delicate matter, this aging process.  Or ought that to read indelicate?  There are certain matters that were once taboo.  We just didn't include them in the average conversation.

Then arrives the Australian Government Stool Sample Kit.  On your 50th birthday. You're now officially in the seniors category and at risk of producing all sorts of unmentionable disorders of the bowel.  Ergo the kit.  Very kind of the Oz Powers to think of their citizens this way.  Never mind that early warning will save them a packet of dollars.  Wonder if they thought of the psychological side-effects of sending out brown paper packages of this nature?  Like the sudden panic as to whether that was just a bit of tomato skin or not?  Until this day it always was.  Now I'm not so sure.  Then there's the recall.  "Packages between numbers such and such have proven faulty and false readings may result."

Meaning?  Could be you thought you had troubles and now you don't.  Or worse.  Something important got missed.  Of course, you might have been like me and overlooked the process due to pressing matters in other regions.

Aah yes, 50, the golden number.  The day everything turns to lead.  Did I have constipation before or did it only begin today?   Is this sudden bout of loose movements a sign of irritable bowel?  Is all this bloating a case of leaky bowel syndrome?  Wonder if I should have put the kit through its paces.  Nah.**

Then there's the skin changes.  Was that a polyp I just noticed?  Do I have piles?  Eek! Age spots.  Tumorous growths requiring surgical intervention….

Things that were never questioned before suddenly get noticed and seem to have enlarged to the point of appearing like barnacles on the bottom - (of a boat, a boat okay?) - simply because of moving from fourth to fifth decade.

All this on top of menosoup.  It's enough to make one menoloopal.

**As a responsible health professional, it behoves me to point out that all such tests definitely ought to be taken.  I joke about delaying it here (being medical doesn't mean one is other than human and prone to all the issues that come with the status), but did of course follow through in the end.

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