Menopuggled - underworked yet overtired

A little over a year ago I began blogging.  Folk had said they wanted to see my photos.  MY TAKE was born (check left sidebar).  At the same time, YAMandala.  I caught the bug and decided to be creative verbally through the third blog MY TAKE TOO.  Almost instantaneously, this one sprung forth.

The purpose of this one was to vent a bit, to rave a bit, to share the mayhem that had apparently descended upon me with that later life change which all women must handle. Some more than others.  Also to reminisce and to journal the journey that is life.

The long-termers among you, Dear Readers, will know that this blog was 'born' in India, where I was undergoing serious study.  Deep and meaningful study.  Transformative study. Part of the transformation resulted in my not, after all, returning to OZ or taking up full 'colour' in mission. Instead I was hit with the mortar shell of repatriating to Scotland after a quarter century and despite a deep and abiding love and loyalty for my adoptive country.

There was mission behind the decision.  Recognition of familiar and common roots.  Part of the goal is to get another blog up and running for the pure purpose of processing the philosophy and sharing its insights.

Then there is revisiting of all the lectures and notes and texts to ensure they become embedded in my understanding.  Writing too.  Not just the spiritual and philosophical, but creatively.  The germ has been there all my life and now it needs to start shooting. Whether it will actually fruit or not remains to be seen.  It is a distant and wailing thing. Most bloggers I know will identify in some small way with this. Another aspect is, with will and Love, to start study classes with interested persons...philosophy learned should not remain untaught.

It has been my fortune to have the freedom to roam the world.  I have found the place I hope will not only inspire, but give me the space to grow further and dig deeper.

The hurdle, however (and as ever) is myself.  My physical condition is not the greatest. Meno has aged me fast and furiously.  It has exacerbated the disease conditions already resident and now, (surprise!), I find myself flailing around in a sort of stupor.  There are many factors contributing and I don't intend to explore them here.  What I will say though, is that part of what appears to be happening now is inertia.  Yes, I have accomplished much in the last few months, on a physical level.  However I am a cerebral being.  After the hot furnace of gurukula I realise that I am desperate to get back into swing with my intellectual pursuits.

These have taken the back seat whilst all the move and settle has been happening.  Now that is essentially done it is time to get serious again.

I've been saying that for a month though.  Somehow getting back into true purpose is eluding me. The days and weeks are passing with little production.  Daily tasks have taken on an enormity beyond description.

This morning I gave myself a drubbing.  Was I simply procrastinating?  Is the Chronic Fatigue wholly to blame? Should the fact that there are still so many boxes left unpacked be allowed to affect me so greatly? Can I continue to refer to menosoup as raison d'etre for complete lack of coordination in my days?

The conclusion drawn was - well yes, in part, but I have pushed myself up mountains on arthritic limbs; now that highest and toughest of peaks faces me I should not falter.  The inner munro awaits conquering.  It will require discipline and clarity.  It will require that I pick up again the inner sword of purification.  It also requires that I be more forgiving of myself.  Also believing that having been set free on this path, my guru trusts and believes I am capable of reaching the goals  I have set myself.

Herein is the crux.  There is work to do.  There is only me to do it in the place I have come.  The not doing of it has made me tired.

Time to rise.

5 comments:

  1. I feel for you, Yam. Sometimes not getting things done can be much more tiring and stressful than doing them. But don't be too hard on yourself. This is a huge change of lifestyle for you and you have to give yourself time to adapt. Work and play both matter. Balance is everything.

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  2. I read through this post and could see myself there. I am fortunate that my arthritis is only 'osteo' but it is right through me and although the diabetes is under control the two combined tend to cause a type of mild depression that at times seems unstoppable.
    I am not getting things done as I should the the disruption of first the kitchen and possibly next week the carpet have set me back quite a lot although it's great to finally get them done.
    I think Perpetua put it in a nutshell...not getting things done definitely is more tiring and stressful than not doing them. It's the not doing them that in turn causes one to feel depressed....and downright useless at times.
    Reading this from you makes me realise I must buck up my ideas and get on with 'things' even if it's only a little at a time, which after all is about all I can do these days.
    I am sure you will have those boxes sorted out when and as you can and all will once be well in your world. xx

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  3. To get the right balance between pursuit of goals and being more forgiving of oneself. Never easy!
    Best wishes, Gail.

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  4. I have always found it hard to get up and do! Because I am a lazy person, because I can't be bothered. I hope you can get through this cloud in your head and start on your path. I would love to read about it!

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