MenoSundays; Life Lived Lovingly

Allow Me, If You Will, To Talk About Forgiveness

Allow Me, If You Will, To Talk About Forgiveness

Something We Believe We Are Due But Are Less Keen On Offering In Return.

‘Sorry’. So quickly written, so very hard to say — and mean it. ‘I forgive you’. Often not easy at all, or genuinely meant.

We bind ourselves into our lives by all the sorry we don’t say and the forgiveness not given — golden threads of uncertain length, tightening around our ego and strangling our hearts.

Image by author.

Apology.

It begins small. When we are small, it is a learned behaviour. At home at school. Some minor misdemeanour — a broken vase, a damaged toy — from which one of two things may happen.

One is that, in that moment of a senior asking what happened, we do not own up. There is — almost always — anger or frustration showing from the other, and our basic instinct is self-protection. Therefore we remain silent. No responsibility is taken. Somehow, we get away with it that first time. Then another time and another. Not owning up becomes a habit of avoiding possible consequences (known or unknown).

Or, in that same scenario in the early days, we find that someone else gets (or takes) the blame for whatever happened. We start to like having a scapegoat. We begin to look for one and learn to point fingers to avoid the spotlight.

In both cases, it is the ego at work. The first, in fear, the second, arrogance.

Even if we do have positive role models and are encouraged to own up to our responsibility in adverse situations, the ego is a powerful motivator in our psyche. It wants at all times to be on top. Even the most positive and responsible of us does not like to be ‘found out’.

It takes a very balanced and mature person to own up without being found out, to offer appropriate apology, and recompense if it is required.

Forgiveness.

On the flip side of this, as much as we may avoid discovery, when we are the discoverers, how easily do we say, ‘do not fret, apology accepted’?

More significant yet — how many of us can forgive another in the absence of remorse?

Still further — how good are we at forgiving ourselves?

The scale and value of seeking and giving forgiveness are exponential to the nature of the offence. Broken treasures, defaced books, scratched cars, left at the altar. In the end, it is not the material damage that counts. It is the more subtle effects of any situation that cause real problems. When words or betrayals of trust cause the damage, things become yet more complicated. Those golden threads tighten their stranglehold.

When it comes down to it, the material matters not at all. What matters is our ego and how attached we are to whatever occurred. Be we the offended or the offender.

Drowning.

Those golden threads which strangle us are our attachments. Often (frequently!) we place our centre of happiness upon the external, even in affairs of the heart (other people) or mind (study or business). When someone comes along and interferes with that connection we have nurtured, be it accidental or otherwise, we feel hurt, jealous, angry. “How could they??!!!”

We, then, might say things out of turn. Things get distorted and blown out of proportion. The longer a person leaves saying sorry, the harder it becomes to offer that apology. The longer a person harbours the lozenge of infliction perpetrated, the deeper the wound and the less able they are to find that kernel of kindness which can relieve all from the pain.

Both parties then become guilty of drowning themselves in their recalcitrance.

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Waving.

When swimming in the surf, should one need assistance due to being caught in rough currents, then the hand goes up to draw attention from the shore. There is always someone stronger (or with a boat) who can come and help us back to sure ground, to stand firm again. What a relief that is!

Equally, if we have not found the strength to ask or give forgiveness, it is possible to reach out to others for help.

Whether we fund the strength ourselves or invite that kind of mediation, forgiveness — sought and given — is the only real salve to the ego damage that required it in the first place. To ask for, or to offer, forgiveness requires most of all that we overcome our ego and let the attachments go, which tied us to the situation.

It is only in this surrendering of the little self, without condition, that we again find our feet on firm ground, relieved from the rip-tide of emotion. We discover that happiness is not in the thing or situation which bound us to it, but in the letting go of it. Only then, can we look at the other and let our compassion rise. If we are the perpetrator of hurt, we will find, almost unbidden, the will to seek forgiveness and feel genuine contrition. If we are the hurt party, we will find, almost unbidden, the will to offer forgiveness — even if it is not sought.

The reward is within the growth of our personality and spirit. The reward is the recognition that taking responsibility or releasing another from it, frees ourselves first and foremost.

In that moment of recognition, what we feel and call ‘relief’ is the burgeoning of Kindness, Love with the capital ‘ell’… and true contentment.

This article was first published on Medium in October